Places V: Orcas Island (2005)
On two sequential nights, in two separate cities, I met the same two girls because we were staying in the same two houses with different friends. During a party at the second house, they told me they lived in a park on an island and said that if I wanted to go back with them I could crash in the park bunkhouse for a bit. This sort of thing was more or less normal for me at the time. The next day we woke up early, did some light cleaning, and left for Orcas Island where I was immediately offered a job teaching at an outdoors camp for local schools.
If Montreal had psychedelic undertones, Orcas was like stepping straight into a dream. The park encompasses a mountain, several lakes, and is home to swaths of old growth, the eldest of which are upwards of 1,000 years old and 300 feet tall. In their undergrowth, foot long green and brown banana slugs turn dead leaves and wood back into soil, leaving a slimy trail in their wake that is rumored to numb the tongue if licked. In the ancient canopies nested eagles, formidable raptors that stood about three feet tall with a wingspan more than double that. At the peak of the mountain was a four story stone tower and if you climbed up to the top there would often be eagles passing remarkably close by. While exploring I would often come upon small clearings of rocks from old collapses or slides that were completely covered in six to twelve inches of the softest moss. The island was small enough that you could watch the sun both rise and set over an ocean full of sea otters, seals, and all manner of strange tidal creatures and detritus. My dreams there were so vivid, complete with recurring characters and storylines, that I started to journal them.
My coworkers were all decent sorts and we had good times with the kids, leading hikes, searching for weird water bugs, playing games, leading campfire songs. I got to learn and teach cool skills, like how to break the spines of a nettle so that you can eat the leaves raw without being stung, and how to kayak. Since we were fairly isolated and lived together we often hung out in our off time too. Excursions into the quaint little town. Kayaking across the ocean to camp on a deserted island. Visiting the Historic Rosario Hotel to witness Christopher Peacock (or, as one member of our group familiarly referred to him, Chris Peacock) demonstrate his considerable skills on the organ. Or more often, swimming in the lake, making a fire by the lake and getting in trouble the next day for being too loud. We also all purposely flipped our kayaks over in a lake that still had ice on parts of it, although that was actually required by work.
When they left I stayed on to work park maintenance with a small summer crew. Even with the natural beauty and three day weekends to enjoy it, by the end the isolation was getting to me in an unhealthy way. Perhaps it was the primal power of the ancient wilderness, the intense dreams, or the fact that my primary cultural input at the time was Murakami, LeGuin, and Lynch, three artists known for their strange, often dark, outsider takes on reality. Personally, I think it was that the ocean is too powerful for me to ever feel comfortable having it so close to me on all sides. Towards the end of my time there I was told that a local tribe had a story about how a powerful vision was given to a seeker praying at the lake that I was camped next to and how after that it was acknowledged by the tribe that the island was not a place to settle permanently but to visit for spiritual cleansing and guidance. I knew then that it was time to go.
*As previously mentioned, most of the art I made on the road was ritually burned but i did save this poem about my time on the island
the sight of first light
hitting tree tops
with mountain lake backdrop
makes me stop
in awe of what i saw
i draw art with sea stones
'till i'm too tired to bother
then watch the sunset reflect
off receding sea water
walk through ancient forests
or run around without shoes
drink and sing songs
until we're drunk enough to steal canoes
or sit out by the lake
and listen to the frogs
smoke cigarettes with sage
and dedicate them to dead gods
watch otters eat fish
watch deer eat grass
sit by the fire
'till the logs turn to ash
and when the fires gone
and the last embers die
we'll fall asleep on the lawn
looking up at the sky
weightless
In the heavy suffering
of the nothing
now surrounds me
of the nothing
now surrounds me
I've cowered from
its absent form
slow approaching
Until it towered
looming large
its vacuum tapestry
Swallows the sky
devours the dirt
eats up everything
Thrown from the earth
sever the tether
inevitably terrible
Over the edge
lift off and orbit
in cyclical drift
Amidst the dark
stars all gone out
Floating ghostly
Reaching for solidity
in spinning shadows
of dusty memory
These words a new world
carve out a small ledge
on which I can rest
Wait out the days
until it feels right
amidst what is left
Places IV: The Road (on and off 2004-2010)
Having obtained a near useless degree, I spent the summer saving up money, working as a carpenter’s assistant while living with my parents. I wanted to go to the west coast, it was warmer, which seemed nice, but mostly it seemed more relaxed, more open minded, friendlier. It was known to be a multigenerational mecca of countercultures, and like the beatniks, hippies, and punks before me I was going to go places, meet people, have adventures, make art, and find myself. That fall I caught a ride to Portland Oregon with an old classmate from high school and after a few recovery days, one of her roommates dropped me off at an on-ramp so I could hitchhike out to the coast.
I spent most of the next seven years living out of a backpack, occasionally with a room of my own but most often crashing wherever I could. Cheap campsites, beaches, shelters, city parks, closets, couches (perhaps yours at some point), yards, and floors. I stayed with old friends and friends of friends, but also with random strangers that I connected with in person or through the internet and who were willing to let me stay in their homes for free, something that seems inconceivable in today’s world.
To not overstay my welcome I was frequently on the move. Hitchhiking was my primary means of transport and it was surprisingly effective. Most people I met were kind and besides rides I was offered food, places to stay, and work. A few had agendas I wasn’t interested in but I was never threatened or attacked. Occasionally I was harassed by police, but I was careful to follow laws and so their shakedowns, although frustrating, always came to naught. Because hitchhiking out of cities was difficult, I would sometimes take local buses, find a rideshare, or just walk. In fact, walking became my dominant hobby and on days I wasn’t traveling or socializing with others, I spent much of my time either walking around or in parks or libraries. I also filled sketchbooks with drawings of cafes, people, and scenery, letters, poems, and journal entries, all of which I would ritualistically burn once the book was full.
I explored the west coast. My memories and experiences are too extensive to list here but I would be remiss not to include a few snapshots: My first time seeing the giant redwoods. Watching the sun set and the full moon rise over a Big Sur beach. Driving an RV with no breaks along the cliffs of the Pacific Coast Highway. Sneaking into a luxury oceanside resort to soak in their lithium spring water hot tubs. Rolling into Olympia late at night and immediately being greeted by someone with a bike trailer full of free pizzas. Sitting around a fire listening to a camp maintenance man wax poetic about his experiences working on Alaskan fishing boats (bonus points for his Spalding Gray references.) Getting a ride through wine country with a cork salesman who brought me to a number of fancy wineries. Working at various EDM festivals and then staying up all night to dance. Cooking pastries in cobb ovens at 2 AM in the middle of the Wyoming forest at the national rainbow gathering.
It was a quest of spiritual discovery and was accompanied by the highs and lows one expects to face on that path. The beautiful tranquility of a golden-warm afternoon contrasted with a rainy night, cold and alone in a tent; The kindness of those who fed, housed, and helped me contrasted with those who threw garbage or yelled at me from car windows. In my head I was propelled by and carrying with me the momentum of every alternative movement that dared imagine a better world. But in retrospect, I can see how, like many of my idols, I was also hurt and running from truths I wasn’t ready for. While this lifestyle was a personal choice for me, there were factors that pushed me towards it. Disillusionment combined with confusion about my identity lead to depression and feeling alienated from society. The road was on the outskirts of societal norms, a liminal space, always changing and evolving just as I was, full of infinite possibilities. Enlightening but exhausting. I met a lot of great people and got to make and see friends often, but it was also lonely and unstable. After a nice run of it, I needed a home of my own.
Unimpressive Atlas
The kindness
is sometimes
the harder part
Pain at least
makes sense
in a world of abject suffering
But if both are possible
why are we here
instead of there?
the harder part
Pain at least
makes sense
in a world of abject suffering
But if both are possible
why are we here
instead of there?
It's the distance between the two
that s t r e t c h e s my heart
I'm left
that s t r e t c h e s my heart
I'm left
holding two worlds
losing my grip on both
A very
A very
unimpressive Atlas
Places III: Sevilleta National Wildlife Refuge, New Mexico (2002, 2003)
In college, I had a summer job digging holes in the middle of the desert. Technically, some of the holes were in the Colorado Shrub Steppe and the Great Plains Short-Grass Prairie, but it all felt like desert to me. Ostensibly the job was for scientific purposes, studying the effects of changing rainfall patterns on the flora of different terrains, although my involvement was largely menial. In addition to digging I sometimes measured things, carried things, counted plants, and helped construct large metal structures. We started at sunup so we could leave by early afternoon when the heat became intolerable. Before crawling down into the holes we did our best to clean out the black widow spider webs that had accumulated the night before.
I stayed at a nearby research station consisting of 10 adobe houses laid out in a circle with a small pond in the middle. At dusk the pond would be visited by throngs of bats, drawn by the insect swarms that thrived in the artificial oasis. The houses had a back door that led to a small patio and infinite desert. Nearby was a longer building that had a wing of research labs and a meeting space/social area. The buildings were connected by a small sidewalk, on which in the early evening hours you could often find rattlesnakes warming their cold blood, as it held the sun's heat longer than the desert sand.
Sometimes I would share housing, sometimes it would just be me and the caretaker, who was nice enough but kept to himself unless necessary. The station was owned by a university and there were often groups of students staying there while they worked on various projects. They were largely agreeable people and I got to know some of them quite well. We got into some classic college shenanigans such as going out into the desert under a full moon on mushrooms, or using a large jug of embalming alcohol from the laboratory to make big bowls of jungle juice (being very careful to use ethyl, not isopropyl, so we didn’t go blind or die). Sometimes I would go back with them to Albuquerque on the weekends to get into city shenanigans but I also enjoyed my time alone in the desert. There was all sorts of new nature for me to explore. Badgers, tortoises, strange new varieties of deer, snakes, black widows and wolf spiders galore, kangaroo mice, horny toads and other scampering lizards. No cacti, but plenty of spiky and pokey things. At night, a porch light would slowly attract bigger and bigger beetles and moths until around 2 AM when they would start surpassing the size of my hand. I watched the monsoons roll in and drop torrents of rain and lightning, melting the crusty sand into beachy mud.
The fact that I returned for a second summer of labor is a testament to my appreciation of the desert’s majestic beauty and quirky characters. Although the temperate forest will always feel like home to me, I returned to the desert several more times in the years to come, having had a very kind introduction to it.
a metaphor for impending loss
There's a cliff in the distance
and you're going over it whether you want to or not
and you're going over it whether you want to or not
Typically in this sort of metaphor you're on a train
or bus
a symbol of a society speeding too fast
to avoid what's ahead
But in this case you are alone on foot
and you move much slower
The cliff is below you, you must climb down to it
The scenery is majestic at times
but traversing the terrain is arduous
taking your eyes off what you are doing can be
hazardous
You move down towards it,
walking, scrambling, slipping,
falling, crawling, climbing
Night comes, you sleep but do not dream
Day comes and you continue down towards the ledge
Rocks and plants
alternately obstacles and aides
Lending a hand then scratching and biting
small wounds easily ignored
in the exhaustion
It's hard to tell how far away the cliff is
sometimes you can see it in the distance
and sometimes it is obscured by landscape
You think it's there
but then it's not
This goes on for a long time
but not forever
Dreams are few
but sometimes
before you can surrender to sleep
you wonder what it will feel like to be
weightless
Because whether you want to or not
There's a cliff in the distance
and you're going over it
Places II: Montreal (2000-2004)
By the end of high school my patience for Vermont's small town culture had been all but exhausted. I felt misunderstood, isolated, and I was naive enough to believe city life would solve these problems. I had initially wanted to go to New York as I thought it would help me connect with my heritage, something I was interested in at the time. But Montreal made more sense financially and still met my requirement of being a big city, so I went with it. Despite its proximity, Montreal was technically in a foreign country, falling over the Canadian border. Adding to its international aesthetic was the strong Quebecois regional identity that enforced use of the French language. In spite of culture and laws, Montreal was largely bilingual and any of my garbage French was met by replies in English.
Montreal was cold, its winters were long. Its climate partially insulated and protected the city, a shield of frozen snow and ice temporarily staved off the inevitable gentrification of expansion. Most of the city was made of concrete, bricks, or stone, connected by wrought iron stairs and fences, materials that could withstand many seasons. Buildings were connected in long blocks with few alleys to preserve heat. As a result there was nowhere to plow snow to, following storms the snow was scooped from the streets and trucked to the edge of the city to be dropped in the St. Lawrence river (It's easy to forget that Montreal is an island, gifting it a lazy, psychedelic undertone present in Leonard Cohen’s early work.)
The best way to cope with the winter was by staying inside. Because it is an old city, most spaces were small, and although often dirty as well, they retained their comfort by virtue of not being a part of the frigid outside world. Besides the underground city, a conglomeration of malls, hotels, and office buildings, united by tunnels and a subway system of rubber wheeled trolleys, there were a million hole in the wall venues, smokey bars, bodegas, tea bar hash fronts, basement bakeries, cafes, record shops, galleries, bagels pulled from giant steaming cauldrons at 2 in the morning, cheap pizza, falafel, samosas, and of course poutine. I found my favorite art house movie theater, comic and game store, punk bar, dive bar, and restaurants. The legality of alcohol allowed my still untapped alcoholism to flourish, allowing me access to social skills while also robbing me of the memories necessary to retain social relationships.
As a result of the cold, many residents carried themselves with an air of coolness and indifference, as if ignoring the cold negated it. An apathetic hipness descended from ancient strains of ennui brought over from Europe. The youth were all the main character of their own drama, woefully underdressed for the freezing temperatures in stylish black, pushing through crowds on the way to the next thing. Cool, but unable to enjoy it because of their coolness. Oh cruel irony. Adults had no time to talk or look you in the eye, they were also in a hurry. Especially in their cars, which they drove as fast as they could for as long as they could, hitting the brakes hard only when a collision was imminent.
And then, suddenly in the summer the city would thaw into a kaleidoscope of activity, open markets, jazz and comedy festivals, the bright colors of buildings and people bursting forth from the previously obscuring winter gloom. Now adults had time to talk, and the youth were no longer underdressed. The tamtams would start, a weekly gathering of resident freaks and weirdos to the city’s central park on the mountain from which the city takes its name. There, they would picnic and party, juggle, wrestle, roleplay, jump, flip and tumble, wheel and deal, footbag, slackline, and dance to the pulsing beat of hundreds of hippie hand drums. Truly a bohemian shambala paradise.
My time and life in Montreal were very centered around university, and although I spent most of four years there and certainly got out and explored the city, I still feel like I only caught glimpses of what is a much bigger picture. My lack of conversational French made true integration into the community at large impossible but additionally I was overwhelmed by everything. Going from the tranquil forest to an international city was a big change, and my personality and social skills didn’t automatically adapt just because I was there. As far as cities go, I liked Montreal and I could have possibly finagled a way to stay, I know kids who did even without speaking French. But by the end of my time in Montreal I had made my peace with it, learned to navigate, appreciate, and love it, but also, I was ready to leave.
the hospital at night
Enter a dark parking garage
through emergency security
A maze of empty halls
filled with dim light
but no people
In their rooms they rest
an uneasy peace
sleep disrupted by beeps
or the drawing of blood
before it vanishes into the night
Sometimes the TV is on
to quiet the silence
and remind about life outside these walls
Sometimes you even laugh
at the antics of the characters on screen
Then it is late and you must go
back to the world beyond
On the way down
large windows become
dark mirrors, reflecting a
tired translucent you
waiting for an eleventh floor elevator
When you get in
there are stains on the floor
try to ignore them
Exit a dark parking garage
a maze of empty streets
filled with dim light
but no people
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